Why does my partner never listen to me?

The Hidden Need That Can Make or Break A Relationship

By Felicia Glick LCSW MCLC

Located in Kaufman Texas,: providing psychotherapy and life coaching in Kaufman County, Forney and Terrell.

As a couples therapist in Kaufman Texas I often observe a facet in relationships that many people are unaware of. When people hear the word influence, they often think of power, control, or getting their own way. In healthy relationships, however, influence means something very different. It is not about controlling another person. Rather, it is about knowing that your thoughts, feelings, and needs have the ability to affect someone you love. At its deepest level, influence is about knowing that you matter.

It is helpful to distinguish influence from power. Power is the ability to make someone do something. Influence, on the other hand, is the ability to meaningfully affect another person's thoughts, feelings, or behavior through the relationship. While power can exist without connection, healthy relationships are built on mutual influence.

Every human being carries an internal question that is almost always running in the background: "Do I matter here"? We all ask this question in our friendships, marriages, families, and even in our workplaces. One of the primary ways we answer that question is by observing whether the people closest to us are willing to be influenced by us. When our ideas are considered, our feelings are taken seriously, and our preferences help shape decisions, we experience something much greater than agreement; we experience belonging.

Providing a sense of belonging is one more reason why influence is necessary. It tells us that we have a meaningful place in the relationship. It says, "You are not simply present here; your presence changes this relationship." It communicates that your voice carries weight and that the people who love you care enough to let your thoughts shape their own. Most people do not need to win every disagreement or have every decision go their way. What they truly need is to know that their opinions genuinely matter.

Influence also creates emotional safety. One of the strongest predictors of healthy relationships is the belief that when something is important to us, it will become important to the people who love us. They may not always agree with us, but they will slow down, listen, and seriously consider our perspective. There is a profound difference between not getting what we wanted and feeling as though our voice never mattered in the first place. Most people can tolerate disappointment. What they struggle to tolerate is feeling invisible.

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on couples and relationships, has found that healthy, long-lasting marriages are built on mutual influence. Strong relationships thrive when both partners are willing to let each other shape and change them over time. They remain open to learning from one another, adjusting their plans, and allowing each other's thoughts, feelings, and experiences to influence the future of the relationship. Influence sends a powerful message: "Your feelings affect mine. Your needs help shape our decisions. Your experiences matter to me." These everyday moments of openness build trust because they remind both partners that they are creating a shared life together rather than simply living side by side.

The opposite is equally true. When someone repeatedly experiences little or no influence, the emotional cost can become significant. Imagine living in a home where the rules are made without you, family plans are decided before you are consulted, traditions continue without your input, and your opinions rarely change anything. Even if everyone is kind and polite, you may begin to feel less like a member of the family and more like a visitor. The problem is not simply the decisions themselves. The deeper problem is what those decisions communicate about your place in the relationship.

Over time, people who feel they have little influence often begin to withdraw emotionally. They stop bringing up concerns because they no longer believe it will make a difference. Instead of saying, "Can we talk about something?" they begin telling themselves, "It won't matter anyway." Others respond differently. Rather than becoming quiet, they become increasingly frustrated or argumentative because conflict feels like the only remaining way to be noticed. Still others develop resentment as they silently conclude that everyone else's needs matter more than their own. Although these reactions may look different on the surface, they often grow from the same painful experience of feeling unheard and unimportant.

Another consequence of having little influence is the gradual loss of personal agency. When people repeatedly learn that their thoughts and preferences have no effect on what happens around them, they may stop asking themselves what they truly want. Instead of thinking, "What do I need?" they begin asking, "What will keep everyone else happy?" Slowly, they begin adapting themselves to fit the relationship rather than helping shape it. Over time, they may lose touch with their own identity because they have spent so long adjusting to everyone else's expectations.

This issue becomes especially important in blended families. Imagine a man moving into a home where a mother already lives with her children. The house already has routines, traditions, inside jokes, expectations, and unspoken rules. The family system has existed without him, and everyone else already knows how it works. Even if he is warmly welcomed, he may still discover that decisions are made before he is asked, family traditions continue exactly as they always have, and the children naturally turn only to their mother for guidance. He may find himself constantly adjusting while no one else is adjusting to him.

The challenge is not simply that he is new. The challenge is that he has very little influence within the existing family system. Without opportunities to help shape family life, he can remain psychologically on the outside long after he has physically moved into the home. He may begin to wonder whether he truly belongs or whether he is simply sharing the same address.

This is why the biological parent has such an important role. The established members of the family must intentionally create room for the newcomer to have influence. The mother can ask for his opinions in front of the children, include him in family decisions, and openly demonstrate that his ideas matter. These actions do far more than show respect. They teach the children that he is becoming part of the family's leadership and that his presence is helping shape the future of the family.

Perhaps the greatest misunderstanding about influence is the belief that it is something we take. You cannot force someone to give it to you. It is something another person must be open to willingly offer. You cannot demand that someone allow you to shape them. You cannot force someone to value your perspective. True influence happens when another person feels safe enough, connected enough, and secure enough to make room for you. When someone says, "I want to hear what you think," they are creating space for influence.

In reality, healthy influence is something we willingly give to one another. Every time I allow your perspective to change mine, I communicate, "You matter." Every time you allow my experiences to shape your thinking, you send me the same message. Relationships become strongest not because one person has more influence than the other, but because both people intentionally make room for each other's voices.

In the end, influence is not about winning arguments or getting your own way. It is about creating relationships in which each person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences genuinely shape the life that is being built together. People do not need to control those they love. They simply need to know that they can meaningfully affect them. When people experience that kind of influence, they tend to become more generous, more flexible, and more willing to work through differences because they trust that their voice has a place in the relationship. When they do not, they often withdraw, become resentful, or fight harder to be heard.

At its core, influence answers one of the deepest needs of the human heart. It tells us, "You belong here. Your presence changes this relationship. You matter." Few gifts strengthen a relationship more than helping another person truly believe those words.

If you found this article helpful, be sure to also read some of my other blog posts

How Empathetic Listening and Validation Can Transform a Difficult Relationship